Le Reve

About mid-summer, post Calvary Camp, pre-family vacation, and right about when my world-traveling friends would start jetting-setting to Latin America, the Far East, and Europe, I would find myself in a familiar scenario: My brother would be playing in the street with other neighborhood boys (one of which was my grades 6 through 8, blond haired, blue-eyed crush); my sister would be at smart camp, and I would be in and around the house using my imagination to the max. To be fair, my elderly babysitter, Edy would occasionally wake up from her cookie-induced coma to provide companionship and play a couple rounds of 500 Rummy with me, but mostly the middle of my middle school summers were spent with me, myself and my vivid and dramatic imagination.

One of the routine acts within my portfolio of solitary imaginary dramas, was a walk alone in the park with my imaginary boyfriend (AKA my next-door neighbor crush.) I would walk from my House into the grounds of the Mellon estate where there were lush, romantic gardens and create dialogues and blocking for the relationship of my dreams – One that involved smelling the roses in the tiered garden and chasing each other through trellises. To put this odd vision into perspective, I believe I had consumed one too many accounts of the Secret Garden growing up, and was most influenced at the time by the musical version.

I had fun in what I like to call la-la land, and I believe that nurturing my imagination from a young age has made me more creative today. However, I look back and wonder what would have happened if I was a confident, much less awkward seventh grader. Would I have been able to go outside, take part in the boys-only street hockey game, and nab my crush? I might even have had the summer fling and first kiss a la Sandra Dee that I had always dreamed of. I also wonder though, if any middle or high school crush would have fulfilled my Mayberryesque imagination.

In past entries, I have pointed out some of the benefits of going it alone in this day and age, especially when venturing out on the town. I have witnessed the ease, with which one can form an introduction, conversation, and relationship when not surrounded by an intimidating pack of female clones. For one, my relationship is a product of an introduction made while I was sitting alone at a bar.

I just got back from Las Vegas - essentially a fantasy land for adults. I spent eight nights there, the first half of which were spent alone. In this solitary set-up I had ample time to test my theory of going out alone and evaluate if it is well worth a woman's time. Though I thought my theory was full-proof, I noticed something not too distant from the bizarre solo jaunts of my youth. In this city of reverie, where everyone's imagination is going wild, I found it near impossible to create a real and lasting connection with anyone that I had just met.

Night 1: Sage, The Aria
This was my first experiment in going out alone, confident, and well-dressed on the strip. I had decided that I would go to the newest of Vegas' offerings and the 2nd highest rated restaurant opening of the year. I had grand visions of this night out. I imagined moseying up to the bar, resting my pink clutch on the table, removing my black and white checked cloak, and ordering a martini. Two minutes later, George Clooney or someone of his ilk would ask if the seat next to me was taken, we would hit it off, I would tell him about the wonderful work of my Charity. He would immediately express that he wanted to be our premier celebrity friend - he wanted to do events, PSAs, and media releases to spread the word of our unique programs and services. I would come home triumphantly as the girl who snagged THE celebrity-friend relationship of the century.

Instead, the reality was bleak. An odd, creepy couple from Colorado abruptly sat right next to me within the virtually empty bar. They asked what I did, realized a connection, and asked if I could assist in their pursuit to be the sole supplier of billboard ads for McDonald's Brazil. Not the work relationship I was looking for.

Night 2: Craft Steak, MGM Grand
Refreshed, renewed and revved up after being Googlized on the second day of my seminar, I decided to try to form a different set of relationships on the second evening out. I was about to go to the man cave - one of THE steak houses in Vegas, and I was going to conquer and convert the high rolling men into ultimate donors. I was going to insert my business persona into their golf club-swinging, cigar smoking, ribeye consuming conversations. I was going to be the it-girl in a sea of men ... and yet again, reality struck. I was sitting alone focused on consuming the most amazing piece of salmon, in a sea of tech geeks who had absolutely no interest in my presence. My friends for the night - the water boy and my blackberry.

Night 3: Tao, The Venetian
At this point, I was just looking for a friend. I stopped by Restaurant Charlie first to say hi to two old friends from my restaurant management days, and then with a craving for sushi and a familiar atmosphere, I set my sights on TAO. I had been there three times in the past, late at night, with some of my best friends. I sat at the bar, ordered some maki and imagined that suddenly they appeared behind me, we opened the rope to the upstairs club, and we partied all night long. Obviously, it never happened. Rather, I was greeted by a friendly ex-actor from Holland and had a decent conversation about my blog of all things. He was amazed that I had the confidence and courage to go out alone in Vegas. I was amazed that the only valid connection I made on these three days, was with a guy who used to make a living off of dramatic scenarios and role-playing.

Night 4: Wing Lei, The Wynn
Night four was supposed to be in line with nights one through three, but I got tired of my imagination not meeting the reality I encountered. So I called one of the most fun people that I know, Cinderella. Yes, I have a friend who used to be the premier princess at Disney World. And we had a good time dining and dancing in one of the most fantastic spots in town - the Wynn.

Night 5: Red Square and Foundation Room, Mandalay Bay and Il Fornaio, New York, New York
On night five, my single streak came to an end with the best reality of all - my boyfriend. He brought me back down to earth and reinstated my big smile and belly laugh. There he was: my real-life blond-haired, blue eyed crush. Better than any imaginary iteration through my school days. There were whimsical moments of course- Champagne toasts at the Bellagio overlooking the illuminated fountain show, vodka toasts in the vodka vault of Red Square, martini toasts at the members-only Fountain Room on the tip-top of Mandalay Bay, and a roller coaster ride over the strip in my gold Missoni dress. The dips, loops, and giggles were the perfect way to jolt my imaginary wanderings back to my wonderful reality.

I think I will forever be a bit dramatic, and I think my imagination will always run wild. However, more and more I realize that the reality I have every day doesn't need embellishment - it's amazing. When you go out whether solo or en masse, meet a guy for the first time, or find yourself in a serious relationship, make sure that you are capturing the essence and reality of the present. Have a fantastic Friday!

Lo

Performance Review

Tis the season of judgement. From figure skating and ski jumping at the Winter Olympics; to cut-throat and controversial Oscar campaigns; to performance reviews and bonus sign-offs at work - It's one of those times of the year, when we are especially critical and there is a line drawn between the winners and losers.

After nine months on the job, it's time to have the official one-on-one review with my boss. In preparation for this looming meeting I had to self-assess first, which was far more than listing past accomplishments and future goals on a piece of paper. Rather, it was a process that involved collecting and sorting evidence of the physical and psychological; tangible and intangible; work and work ethic. To provide the argument for my productivity, I asked colleagues to provide candid remarks about their working relationship with me, I sifted through my in-box, file folders, calendar, and scorecards to create complete lists of projects, and I strategically massaged the messaging about my work to tell an even better story.

Next I had to assess and convey my more touchy, feely strengths. I had to think of shining examples when I demonstrated leadership capabilities, team building and playing skills, openness to discovery and innovation, pursuit of excellence, and ethics.

I arrived at an honest and thorough self-judgment and presented my scoring and commentary to my boss to review. On Friday of this week, we will have a conversation about the scores to discuss whether or not she agreed, signed off, and compensated me based on these numbers. There is always the chance that she will not view my triumphs with the same clarity or excitement, that I wasn't reading the signs throughout the past nine months, and I will be fired on the spot. Maybe we are better friends, and less compatible in a working relationship. If this is the case, do I get referred to another friend, or kicked out of the inner circle completely? Because I am an over-analyzer this conversation will inevitably be uncomfortable, scary and awkward.

Last week I had a teaser of this meeting when I had the opportunity to sit next to my boss on the plane for 2.3 hours en route to Austin. To gain a better understanding of how she looked at performance reviews and issues, I told her about my upcoming blog entry and asked for her input. I wondered how she felt about judgments, assessments of strengths and weaknesses, and whether or not certain weaknesses were deal breakers. She made a very interesting comment: “There will always be those people that perpetually score 2s on certain sections and that's okay. These people fit in the grander organization. They may always score low on 'change leader' or 'innovator,' but their team building skills are exceptional."

This weekend, when describing her team at work, my sister-in-law put it in the vernacular. She said, "We need a good cop and a bad cop; the ying and the yang." So maybe a weakness or score of 2 here and there, aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Great teams are created when individuals with complementing strengths come together and are able to find a rhythm in the way they work.

Inevitably, this got me thinking about relationships whether freshly minted or 25 years in the making. Do you need periodic or even regularly scheduled performance reviews to make relationships work better and to let each other know where they stand? After all, this is one of the most important teams you invest in. Are such reviews for some couples and not others? Do they remove the romance, spontaneity, and secret challenge we give our significant others to know exactly what it is we want, when we want it? Or, perhaps do they ultimately boost the allure and mutual compatibility - opening the lines for candid communication and more comfortable subsequent dialogue? As I mark the 2.5-year mark with my boyfriend, I wonder if we are a couple that needs an official performance review?

Though necessary and effective in the professional setting, after witnessing two more personal examples I believe when dating, there's no need for scrutiny and intense assessments. If you get to that point, the relationship has lost its vital signs and you are probably doomed.

Experience one: I watched the movie 500 Days of Summer last night, which is a testament of how looking for cues in a relationship could save a lot of time and heartache. There were glaring signs that this relationship should be dissolved, even though the male lead was smitten, love-struck, and inspired by his muse. They didn't need an official review, because her body language became a scoring system of her own: Her carefree laughs turned to tears, her bright smiles turned to smirks, and her level of excitement turned to fatigue. At the end when explaining why she was able to marry someone ... but not him, she says, "I just knew ... and I never had that feeling with you." That's it. It's a feeling you either have right off the bat or come to know within a relatively short period of time. And when this feeling isn't mutual, you won't see the relationship mature, expand, and enlighten over the months and years.

Experience two: A friend sent me a score sheet of sorts that she had recently used when assessing the level of compatibility in her relationship. After presenting the list to her boyfriend, talking through the various parts, and disagreeing on many of the key items, their relationship was ... ding, ding, ding ... deemed incompatible and dissolved. It was a tough period of time following the break up, but she believes they are both in better places as a result. My questions though: How could you not know that you weren't on the same page in the two years leading up to this conversation? Were there not signs present? Did you not have the deeper dialogues in between play time? My belief is if you get to an official assessment in your relationship, it most likely isn't going to last.

I don't need a scoring system to let me know that my relationship or team is performing well or at its optimum. The confirmation is in the genuine laughter, the open conversations when I'm allowed to ask the ridiculous and still get an honest response, the excitement to see each other every day, the quality products we create together, and the growth we've enabled in each other. If these qualities weren't there, it would be obvious that the relationship wasn't going to make it.

So, when making your judgments about your relationship I would recommend looking at the following:

1. Do you smile and laugh 95% of the time, and when you cry does the other person make you feel all-the-way better?

2. Do you like spending more time with your significant other than alone or with friends?

3. Is the sum of your team, much better than the individual parts? Are you happier, healthier, kinder, wiser and perhaps even a better cook with that person by your side? And has that person told you that you bring out the best in him or her as well?

4. Do all the annoying weakness that you used to notice when dating - like creepy back grabs, odd balding patterns, weird hands, bad sense of humor, inability to dance, self consciousness, lack of athletic ability, stupidity - become irrelevant with this person?

5. Do you look at this person and say he or she is the one and really know it.

In a good relationship and on a good team, you just know when it's right and when it's working well. When performance issues arise, then yes, maybe it's time for that assessment. But most likely the complementary nature of your weaknesses with his or her strengths and vice versa is fleeting if you arrive at an official performance review.

Open to success stories though ...

Lo