Recently, on a courageous conference call between our office and one of our Chapters, my boss made the bold move from congenial to candid, with the question, "Can I be frank?" The Chapter representative approved her query with an enthusiastic, "absolutely!" And from there, the two parties opened the floor for confrontation. They battled out the ownership, transition, and future development of an intangible asset, with each party under the conviction that the direct nature of the conversation would enable them to arrive at a more solid conclusion. They believed by being frank they would reach a comprehensive understanding of each party's true interests, the desires of the third parties involved, and next steps that are best for everyone.
After this phone call and a subsequent in-person meeting, we have reached a "better yes." We have achieved a prognosis that everyone is comfortable with and ultimately driven by. Moving forward our resolution is our credo. Today, my boss knows her role in the asset's management, the Chapter representative knows his role, and I know mine. We have all signed up, signed on, and are ready to implement.
As the note taker and lesson learner throughout these dialogues, I got a dose of how to handle the more difficult business conversation. The most important take-away was my boss' advice to develop a "Know, Do, Believe, Feel" outline: that is, to create a list of answers to the questions:
What do I want my audience to KNOW?
What do I want my audience to DO?
What do I want my audience to BELIEVE?
And how do I want my audience to FEEL?
She advised me to employ this exercise when entering any meeting, call, presentation or speech, because otherwise emotions would get the better of me, and the conversation would become counter productive and a giant waste of time.
This is a work in progress for me, as I am perhaps the most passive aggressive person that I know. In Organizational Behavior, we used a "management" term for those that are unwilling to rock the boat (namely, me). We are called self-monitoring individuals; Also know as people pleasers or brown nosers. There are strengths to these individuals: we are good at reading situations, adjusting our personalities to fit various needs, and are usually able to get what we want. However, there are major set-backs: primarily, the inability to bring people together and have candid dialogue that gets you and your team to a "better yes." No great organization has taken strides forward without frank conversations.
This week I put the "know, do, believe, feel" exercise to the test at work, and it went swimmingly well. First, for a presentation and second, for a strategy meeting. This weekend, I have decided to see how it would work in my personal life, largely driven by the inability of others to arrive at successful conclusions.
Last weekend, over pizza and beers at Piece in Wicker Park, I was witness to the most awkward expose of first-date pizza-ordering ever. As the cute young couple sat down, I saw a spark. However, this spark lost its luster when the big decision of size, style, and toppings came about 8 minutes into their date. Their first drink had just arrived, and they had obviously not been through a personal know, do, believe, feel when it came to pizza. They asked the waitress for more time to work out what they wanted to eat, and three phases of the decision-making process ensued:
1. General inquiry about what the other wanted with a lack of response - Boy thought: Meat / Girl thought: Artichokes. Boy said: I'm up for whatever. / Girl said: I am too. [Buzz - wrong!]
2. Avoidance of the decision-making process - both turn to mobile devices under the table and start rapidly texting their friends to the tune of "this date is going really bad!" [Buzz!]
3. Settlement on a large half and half pizza (meat on one side, artichokes on the other), which was about the size of a windshield and sparked frustration from the mass of people waiting their turn to sit down and eat. [Buzz - not the better yes!]
Ashamed of their inability to compromise on toppings and embarrassed by the sheer square footage of their pizza, the boy ate his meaty side and watched the basketball game; the girl ate her artichoke-ridden side and continued to text her friends while starting to scope out the other guys at the bar.
After seeing this critical decision-making process go awry, essentially spoiling a date that had the potential to go well, I thought, "there are ways around this!" There are ways to get both parties signed up and signed on for the right pizza and a good date night by using the aforementioned template. Tonight or tomorrow night, the boyfriend and I will have pizza for dinner, and because I never really voice an opinion on the pizza order, I will attempt to employ my new template to get to a better yes.
Know: "I have a love/hate relationship with Pizza. I hate it because I am scared of clogging my arteries and injecting my thighs with fat cells from the gooey cheese, greasy sauce, perfectly seasoned sausage, and airy crust; BUT I LOVE the taste and have no problem polishing off four or five pieces of pizza. Also, you should know that I used to pick off all the cheese and toppings and just eat the dough from Papa John's Pizza in high school and college; I prefer thinner crust and topping it with things like goat cheese, roasted red peppers, morels, and pesto, because this fulfills my craving for pizza without the inevitable heifer feeling; and I like the crust that I make from my artisanal bread book because it rises for 6 hours, has more air pockets in it, and is reminiscent of the focaccia-style pizza I ate every day while studying in Rome." Phew ... sigh ... See that wasn't so hard.
Do: Forsake the Chicago-style deep dish tonight and make individual pizzas with me.
Believe: Pre-pizza - She is not that crazy. Post-pizza - This tastes delicious!
Feel: Full.
So basically, the template is heavily weighted toward the KNOW part for me, but that is probably because I tend not to tell people 80% of what I am thinking. I tend to tell others what they want to hear.
In a business or personal relationship, self-monitoring only works for a set amount of time. There is an expiration date to going through life on other people's terms, because ultimately you will end up feeling unhappy, and the other person will not have the chance to grow. The goal in business and in personal relationships is to reach a resolution that enables growth for the team. To get here though, it is necessary to be a little more transparent, a little less reserved, and little more confrontational. Go ahead, be frank, but do it with a plan. In my life, I believe a new commitment to being candid and prepared, will benefit my projects at work and leisure activities at home. Tonight, I believe it will bring a more rewarding pizza-consuming experience! AND if you are on a first date and need time to transition from self-monitoring to persuasive persona, don't choose a pizza joint. Go for a restaurant where individual orders are the specialty.
Mangiamo!
Lo
