A Dating Game?

When I was chronically single, which I like to argue was self-imposed, but looking back on it might have been due to shortcomings in dating knowhow, I couldn't find a boyfriend for the life of me. Singledom inhabited 25 years of my life, and though I enjoyed it, I also craved the love and companionship of a significant other. I had resigned finding a match to the realm of impossible during my sister's wedding in 2007, but as I entered the right place at the right time (otherwise known as business school with a girl to guy ratio of 1 to 5) I miraculously found Mr. Right knocking on my door. 

I recently went through another dry-spell of sorts. This one was in the job market. Currently, about 40% or more of my graduating MBA classmates are in the same dry-spell. They can't get a date or engage in a more serious relationship with a company for the life of them. Finding a job in today's economy is much like the dating market. There are broad array of methods to go about a company courtship in hopes of finding that illusive job. 

First, there are awkward periods of forced networking, which mimic the activities and conversations of speed dating; Glib, processed, and rehearsed dialogue, which might just land you with a phone number or email address. There are on-line profiles, applications, and screening to get your name out there in hopes that some company fishing to fill a role might choose your name out of the millions of other perspectives. Similar to Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony, and so on, usually you get a solicitation from an interested party who you have no interest in. If you are more desperate than most you hire a pimp or a head-hunter, much like the career development office. They make all these significant and wonderful promises, and when they can't deliver, you feel violated and in a vicious cycle of obligation to them.  

There is also the progressive hierarchy of dates with a company in order to establish a chance at a full-time commitment, which mimics the dating game quite well. First, there is the initial screening, which can be viewed as that first meeting at a bar, where you might reveal your go-to story, personality trait, or exciting experience set. Second, there is the scheduled first round interview where you get a full hour or two to reveal a more representational side of yourself, without giving away too much that is personal, embarrassing, or risky. Then you get the call back interview, the second rounder where your future co-workers dig in deeper to reveal a more robust character profile. This is kind of like your second date experience when you forget to demurely laugh, but let out a guffah and a hearty-har-har and your first eccentricity is exposed. Then there's the reference check when the company gets to ask questions and gain insight from your previous employers about your relationship, just as the potential boyfriend will ask every guy he knows what they know about you. Finally, if you got the call back, got through the first and second interview, if your record is clean, and if everyone that knows you says good things, you have a good chance of establishing a commitment from the company. 

I recently received such a commitment call. On Wednesday around 9 AM central time, I got confirmation that my future employer wanted to establish a committed and long-term relationship with me. I was thrilled. I had been waiting with my hand on the phone for weeks, just I would have had I been waiting for the boy that I liked to call me. I willed the phone to ring day after day, and when it finally did, my heart skipped a beat. I got butterflies in my stomach, and when the words, "we would like to go ahead and extend you an offer" came out of the HR representative's mouth, I had to hold back tears, which I later let out on the phone with my boyfriend. 

My job search process progressed in the fashion of serial dating, much like I described above. I awkwardly networked, fearlessly accumulated cards and contact information, had informal coffee dates to informational interview, made on-line profiles, and solicited myself through career development. However, the odd thing is that this particular role that I will be performing come June 15th, kind of just fell in my lap. I applied to and talked with representatives from every other job function within the corporation I set my career focus on. However, this role sought me. It kept calling back, until I ultimately fell in love with the idea of my contribution to the company through this position. 

It's just the way things seem to happen for me - - they seem to fall into place, always after my faith in myself has been questioned, and a little later than most people, in the right way. My relationship was similar to this job search. I had made my availability known, I had edited my profile over and over again, I had narrowed down an eligible dating bracket, and pondered over the possibility of this one and that one, however, when I least expected it, the right one found me, and kept calling me back. 

To all those job seekers, be true to who you are, figure out what you want out of a job, don't force something that isn't right, and keeping having faith and patience in yourself. You will find the right match. 

Happy hunting! 

Lo 

The Great Escape

Escapism can be defined as an escape or diversion from everyday reality. In a recessionary period, the number of avenues to achieve escapism does not surprise me. People are looking to ease their anxieties, sleepness nights, fear, and tension in as many ways as possible. As a recent MBA graduate waiting to hear if I will be gainfully employed sooner rather than later, I have engaged in a fair amount of escapist techniques to ease my weary mind over the past 2 weeks or so.

I have read, gone to the movies, watched television, enjoyed a day at the spa, shopped, consumed many glasses of wine, changed living environments, cooked and cleaned, and slept. [Last night I enjoyed one of the first 10 hour slumbers I have experienced in over a year. For the past couple of months I have been going on 5 or 6 hours a night, driven by all that I wanted to accomplish the next day!]

This topic of escapism, which has become a guiding factor in recent media, is not a novel concept. In my undergraduate days I studied the artist Gaughin whose entire post-impressionist movement could be labeled as Escapism. He fled the art scene of Paris, financially destitute and unrecognized, and took refuge in Tahiti and a bevy of other tropical locales. While there he became engrossed in the primitive cultures and painted the native landscapes, culture, inhabitants, and wildlife in an ethereal light. Each of his paintings from this era represented exoticism and eroticism; a removal from conventional techniques and his departure from European colonialism. There are many other artists and engineers, architects and scientists who have discovered something great and exciting by departing from convention and escaping into an alternate reality. 

Today, as I read the New York Times at a very crowded Starbucks, I read about various methods of more mindless escapism. Such non-productive diversion is a bit scary because it begs you to remove yourself, to enter a mindless state of distraction, and to cease productivity and participation. Film and television are key producers of this form of escapism. The box office, mainly churning out thoughtless blockbusters, is up 14.5% in comparison to last year. This Memorial Day weekend was no exception with $223 Million spent on ticket sales to such shows as Night at the Museum, Terminator, and Star Trek. Television studios are also gearing up for a fall line-up of shows that are meant to let the “recession-weary viewers laugh and feel better.” Consumers are looking for ways to check-out and the media is feeding them a worry-free product.

Looking back on the past two weeks pre- and post- graduation, I noticed my engagement in both forms of escapism. I removed myself from worry and entered a more or less mindless state made possible by rich Cabernets and citrusy Sauvignon Blancs. Around 10:00 PM each night I was in a carefree, social, giggly state of affairs that could not be tainted by any anxiety. However, I also participated in escapist techniques more in the style of Gaughin and his creative counterparts. I made an effort to change scenery to foster a sense of newness and mental awakening. I have slept in 4 different beds over 7 days: In South Bend, Pittsburgh, Chicago, and Naperville. Each place representing a way of life that is a little different than the next. Ever the observer and analyzer, I believe that changing scenery and experiences keeps your mind inquisitive and thoughtful. I also continued to read newsprint media and books in an analytical mind frame, to question, probe, and continue my education. 

Escapism works, and works well. However it only functions if it is used as a means to reorient your thoughts. Escapism works if the end product is increased creativity and effectiveness. One of my former bosses told me once that all I had to do was continue to work hard at whatever I was doing, and that eventually things would fall into place or unfold the way they were supposed to. I believe this to be true. In my state of productive escapism, which is how I define this phase of life, my day continues to start pre-sunrise and end in fatigue from doing all that I could that day. I believe that I will emerge with a greater sense of knowing, being, and achieving than before. I will be ready to take on the next challenge whether I get the job that I want, have to look for a different job, start writing the book that I always wanted to write, or have the guts to pursue the little comfort catering company that I printed cards for. My great escape over the past 2 weeks has produced many thoughts, confusions, and queries, and I believe in the next couple days will produce some solid answers. 

To all escape artists out there, make your escape fruitful!

Lo 

Sustainability

I graduated from business school on Sunday. I am officially a jargon-ridden MBA ready to participate in discussions about best practices, robust measures, key stakeholders, and sustainability! Before entering business school the language of bankers, branders and consultants was Greek to me. I remember sitting by the pool a couple weeks before I embarked on my MBA education and talking with a Hedge Fund manager. He tried to explain what he did for a living and I nodded with an expression that could be characterized as "I have no idea what you are saying: I don't really know what a bond is, I don't really know what a stock is, and I have no idea what collateral, arbitrage, leverage or derivatives are." I am happy to say as a newly minted MBA I now know what a Hedge Fund manager does and I know the meanings of all those terms! 

Non-MBAs may accuse the business community of speaking in language that is unapproachable. However, I realized that some of the learned terms acquired throughout my education are transferable to my personal life as well. There are some important concepts in business not only applicable to American Industry, but also to the way we conduct our lives. One of these such concepts is sustainability. I learned about sustainable business models, sustainable best practices, a sustainable competitive advantage, and corporate sustainability. 

There are a lot of definitions for sustainability, but the one I like best was one that I learned in my UN Global Compact course: Sustainable development is development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs. Though a company may emphasize a particular financial, social or environmental goal to define their sense of sustainability, while another company focuses on a different goal, the key and connective understanding is to take steps to conduct business in a more responsible and lasting way. 

As an individual who has gone through many phases of life, I can see the importance of sustainability on a personal level. I have noted the need for sustainable best practices in my diet and exercise, relationships, and work ethic. Business leaders preach about finding a balance in all that you do. I think this perfect balance between life and work is unattainable, and I think a greater focus should be placed on living your life in a way that meets your needs today and positions you well for the future. 

Let me use the example of my experiences with diet and exercise. We live in a culture that preaches the benefits of extremes and crash diets. The media consistently tells us to eliminate whole groups of food and focus on a couple staples to encourage your body to drop weight quickly. We are told that pills can help our weight loss cause, or if you spend hours everyday at the gym, bouncing from one machine or exercise to the next, you will finally attain that ideal physique. If you are an extreme dieter, pill popper or exercise fanatic, your time frame for participating in these lifestyles is short.  Your body physically can't sustain the pressure and rigor from your workouts or substance abuse, and mentally your cravings stemming from depravation will kick in and lead to massive binges. I have been on all sides of this equation. I have exercised to exhaustion and I have not exercised at all; I have starved myself and I have binged; and I have been everywhere in between. From 2004 - 2007 my weight went up and down, up and down, and my mental and physical states yo-yo-ed with it. In business school, I successfully adjusted to a more or less sustainable pattern of diet and exercise. I run 6 days a week, and average 4.5 miles a day. I eat three or four small meals a day and tend not to drink alcohol (although, this week I have clearly indulged on that front.) I have maintained the same weight for 2 years now, am happy with it, and I feel great most every day. This is my sense of personal sustainability in diet and exercise. 

I believe you can also apply this to the world of dating, and I would like to explore this concept a little further in the future. I am blessed to be in a mutually beneficial, sustainable relationship. However, I know there are a lot of single women out there who can't find this kind of lasting relationship. Some of the key issues through my relationship development were finding someone who shared similar values, who could keep me grounded and in check (as I have a tendency to get a little flighty), who could make me laugh and always raise my spirits, who challenged me and encouraged me, and who loved me the same way I loved him. Relationships that don't last or are detrimental tend to fail due to inequalities in these arenas. Relationships are largely about a shared experience. The self is always present, but as you get deeper into a relationship, the understanding of a union must be there as well. I have witnessed friends in relationships where one member of the relationship was WAY more into the other person; where the lust and seduction of the relationship trumped all communication; when the relationship was all about 2 selves; or when the relationship was too heavily weighted on the union and dissolved the members' individuality. None of these scenarios ended up working and led to heartache. 

Like the term sustainability in business, it is hard to define what is and is not sustainable in our personal lives. There is a fine line at times concerning best practices, and what works for some, may not work for others. My goal as an ethnographer over the next year will be to decipher how some of these business terms can function in our personal lives and in particular the practices of women looking for their future mate. I think there are lessons to be learned here, especially given a population of single women who base their decision making and dreams on film, television, magazines, and urban myths. My theory is that practicality, efficiency, effectiveness, business savvy, and marketing mindfulness can lead any women who is single into a lasting, sustainable relationship. 

For now, I am signing off, but in the meantime, if you have any feedback or a story to share regarding dating or single-hood please post it! 

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! 

Lo 

I had a great day yesterday - - got a lot done and had fun doing it! I went for a run, created a scrapbook from all the snips, clips and photos of this past year, went to mass, got my cap and gown, went to lunch with a good friend, got a pedicure, went grocery shopping, and made and ate dinner while watching the Pens game with my brother and his fiance. Wow, I love rattling off a pragmatic list of things I did! During the latter part of the day, as I was chopping vegetables and enjoying a delicious glass of cabernet, I watched some episodes from the first season of Sex and the City. I have seen the entirety of this season multiple times before, but each time I watch it I find new meanings and applications to my life. 

This time around, I noticed that the first season presents the character of Carrie more as a sexual anthropologist or researcher than a party-going fashionista. Each episode is focused on her column and there is something smarter about her pursuits than in the later seasons when she takes on a more or less superficial role. I realized about half way through the 2nd episode that I watched last night, that this is why I like the market research and writing of business school so much - - it is very Carrie Bradshaw-esque. It also made me remember the other reason that I started writing this blog; to establish a place to document my observations and interpretations of the marketplace. In particular, a more practical approach to the dating marketplace, where women of my age and ilk seem to be living in a fantasy-land.  

So, I would like to touch on something that I learned this weekend while in Kansas City for a wedding shower. I have long staked myself on my sense of independence and ability to have a good time alone. I like to go to movies alone, I prefer to run alone, I shop alone, tend to work alone, and I like going to bed early and waking up early because it allows for more me time. One thing I have had a hard time doing though is going to a restaurant or a bar alone. If my partner(s) for the evening leaves me hanging for more than 15 minutes, I become very self-conscious. As the groupings of people around me become livelier, I feel lonelier. I used to eat at the dining hall by myself in my undergraduate years, but I always did it very quickly - - I was in and out in a matter of 15 minutes. 

So this weekend I set-out to conquer this fear. I arrived in Kansas City around 2 PM, my parents and sister didn't get in till 6:30 PM and our dinner reservations weren't till 7:30 PM. I knew the Pens game started at 6 PM, so I decided to go to a bar alone to watch the game and order a glass of wine. I figured if men can do this - - go to bars alone to watch games and have a beer, why can't I? I went to a place called Kona Grill, a trendy establishment that I had been to once before, but while I was in Phoenix, AZ about a decade ago. It was hopping and they had opened all their doors/windows in the front to entice passerbys to stop in. I was wearing my newer Citizens jeans and a red frilly top; an appropriate outfit for the happy hour crowd and the dinner that would follow at the restaurant next door. I thought I looked nice, so I confidently marched into the crowd, ordered a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, took a gander around, found a seat at the opposite side of the bar and rushed over to take it. I asked for a channel change to watch the Penguins game, and began to passively observe the 20 and 30-something men and women as they attempted to find dates at the start of their weekend. 

I was about 2 sips into my glass of wine when the first of my suitors for the evening approached. He had a deep southern accent and was trying to engage me in small talk here and there. He worked for Novartis in some capacity and kept referred to his wingman Cody who was on his way. His pursuit stopped though when I responded "just one" to his question, "and how many boyfriends do you have?" He and his wingman, who had just arrived walked away, and from stage right entered the next small talker. This one was Indian and was interested in why I was watching the hockey game. Again, our conversation was cut short when I mentioned my boyfriend. Finally, there was a British guy who ran some sporting company in Kansas City. He eyed me from the other side of the bar and came over to "have a chat." Though he was aware of my relationship status, he continued the conversation. He was actually quite funny and mentioned that British men and women are different than Americans in that "having a chat" at a bar is fine and friendly and doesn't have to be flirting. I thought that was very refreshing. After 45 minutes at the bar, 1 Penguin goal, and 2 glasses of wine, I said goodbye to the Brit and walked next door to meet my parents. 

I told them my little story from the past hour and they were very amused. It got be thinking though, why do women always want to go everywhere in groups - - why, especially do they want to go to a bar to meet guys with a group of their most attractive girlfriends? Wouldn't it make sense for a woman to go to a bar alone and appear much more approachable to a guy or to increase your chances of being the one who gets hit on? When you go with a bunch of girlfriends there is a large chance that your thinner, more attractive, better dressed, but less funny and personality-driven friend will be the go-to-girl for the night. From my 45 minutes as the only woman ALONE in the bar, I have a working hypothesis that you WILL meet someone, and in a very short period of time, if you spend some time along there. My advice for single women: confidently, but passively engage in the friday or saturday night atmosphere by yourself. Try my scenario - - get a drink alone before later dinner plans, and see what happens. If any reader out there tries this and is successful, please comment! I would love some feedback. 

Go Cubs Go! 

Lo

I had a little dinner party last night for friends at my house. I set up my deck with a 6-top and served a provencal style grilled chicken salad - - a least it seemed very French countryside to me. We drank a couple lovely bottles of Sauvignon Blanc to accompany the meal, and judging by the way I have felt all day, I think I had one too many. It was an evening of great company, belly laughs made possible by my hysterical friend, Meredith and her mother, and good food set to the backdrop of a crisp spring evening. It was my idea of a perfect night. I tried to top it off, by going to Simeri's, a local hole-in-the-wall bar where the MBA event of the day was going on. In the style of graduation week, I thought it best to try to drink more and force a premature celebration. 

For me though, this graduation week is still filled with anxiety. I am sitting on my porch now trying to calm my nerves, relax, relieve myself of a lingering hang-over, and think about the fun I will have tonight at the hole-in-the-wall bar of the night, the legendary Backer. However, as I sit here, trying to listen to music, read a girly novel, or appreciate the perfect weather ... I keep coming back to fear of not having a job, anxiety about the results of a final round interview, annoyance about the grotesque banner flying around campus attached to a little plane, and longing for my last Notre Dame senior week where we were in the NCAA tournament, I was with good friends, and not having a plan after graduation was okay. 

I have talked to others in my class about not having a job, and not having a plan, and having to move home with their families. They seem to have checked out from their stress though. They said they were stressed, but now they don't care. With the exception of one other individual that I have talked with, everyone is going through this week without a care in the world. They are playing bags, bocce, golf, and volleyball during the day, and carefreely drinking in memories during the nights. I have dedicated myself to going out each evening, though over the past weekend and into last night, each night during which I imbibed, I got nostalgic and sad. The pressure bares down on me around 10 or 11 PM, and the magical transformative high of alcohol takes the form of a slight depressant. 

I was asked by some of my few, but loyal blog readers why I had stopped writing. I answered with a shpiel about how I had been so busy - - with finals and end-of-the-year projects, with interviews and other aspects of the job search, with weekend trips, the list went on. Although, the real reason seems to be that I have felt uninspired and blank. When you are in school the world is your oyster. You saturate yourself in knowledge and the potential for greatness. You become excited about what new things you will learn everyday. As the MBA education wore down and then was over, my excitement for the possibilities of the day went away. My morning runs were no longer filled with ideals, but silent prayers that I would get a job, and soon. Worry took the place of whimsy, and here I am, at a loss for positive words today. 

So here presents the reason that I have chosen to continue to write this blog, because it forces me to spit out the negative and the stress, get over it and get on with it. I did this once before in my life with a private word document. I wrote very often for 3 or 4 months and then once all that verbal garbage was out there, on the page, in front of me, I could move on and not let the bad things bog me down. So today, and my apologies, but this is the negative verbal garbage that helps me cope with my stress, and get on with the celebration that this week should be for everyone - - those with jobs and those that are jobless - - those that are graduating with honors (like myself!!) and those that aren't - - those that made tons of new friends and became the queen and king bees of the class, and those that were happy sitting back and playing a supporting role. Tonight, I will go to the Backer and watch a slideshow which documents the memories that make up Notre Dame MBA-ness - - I will think back on my experience fondly, and try my hardest to focus on the present, rather than looking toward an uncertain future. 

Fondly, 

Lo