A Good Product

It seems that throughout the books I have read, films that I have seen, and business news that I have been confronted with recently, there are a great many characters struggling with their identity. Their confusion about who they are and who they want to be becomes the crux of the plot. Indecision when it comes to self-definition, leads a character to peril. It is only when the character clearly defines who he or she is, that they can make the most of their existence, and create the most beneficial relationship with the stakeholders involved.

In the newest remake of Star Trek, a young Spock struggles to define his character. He is told, “You will always be a child of two worlds.” He is half human and half Vulcan, which in layman terms means he has an emotional human heart and a mechanic Vulcan mind that can make decisions based entirely on reason. In Terminator Salvation, the character Marcus Wright is half human and half machine. He finds out about his mechanic and indestructible interior toward the middle of the film, and when directed to return to Skynet Headquarters is forced to make a decision about his character. In the novel, Middlesex, Calliope/Cal struggles to identify with a particular gender. Calliope was raised as a female, but after puberty took on the appearance of a man. There is a constant tension between the two sides that tears at Calliope’s character, and she won’t be happy until she reaches a committed decision. In Corporate America there are a great number of large and small companies seeking to redefine their character. They have been something too big, too narrow-minded, or too irrelevant for too long, and given financial dire straits, they are forced to see where their core competencies lie. This reshaping of their identity is the crux of their corporate timeline. Without a sound, qualified decision, the said company faces greater stock price plummets, shareholder angst, employee lay-offs, and eventual bankruptcy.

In all of these examples it becomes necessary for the individual involved to make a strong commitment toward one side of their character. Spock sees the value of being emotionally comprised, and gives into his human heart. Marcus Wright also cannot overcome his human heart to perform as a machine, and becomes a warrior for humanity. Calliope sides with her male persona, and becomes a more sensitive, better-dressed, and more confident person because of it. Big companies have chosen a leaner version of themselves in order to get back to what they do best and survive economic hard times. Because of these tensions, struggles, and hard decisions, the characters mentioned above become richer, more successful, and more interesting than the more two dimensional characters who support them. 

In the same vain, a product must have a clear understanding of its identity before it goes to market. It must have a well-defined and communicated value-add, so that the consumer knows exactly how this thing will benefit his or her life. A good product is reliable and long lasting. It is not something that you have to replace on a regular basis. Certain companies produce products that go through various life cycles. These products get upgrades and makeovers and usually leave the consumer wanting the original. (Microsoft Office is one such product that is continually upgraded, but seems to get worse and more confusing each time.) Consistency, reliability, value, hard work, physical attractiveness, and emotional appeal all work toward making a successful and lasting marriage between consumer and product. 

I don’t want to sound harsh or over-simplistic. However, I believe there is a strong similarity between the goods market and the dating market. A solid product goes to market after a careful examination of what the said product wants to be and how it can make a consumer’s life better. When you enter the dating market, my recommendation is to have a clear understanding of what you can promise to deliver. Girls, in particular, in today’s society are struggling in identity formation in much the same way as the aforementioned characters. They are torn between who their parents and friends want them to be, and what they believe the media and a prototypical male want them to be. There is a constant battle in their mind from hobbies, nutrition, sense of humor, and education, to wardrobe, hair and make-up, and social circle. In many scenarios, girls are taking the easy road by turning into clones or knock-offs of an original. They find one girl, whether she is in their school, in film or television, or an older role model, and shape their personalities off of the success of that individual. They thus become the Wal-Mart version of the original.  

As you enter the dating market, whether you are 16 or 35, the male counterpart that you are in search of, isn’t looking for a knock-off. Or, if he is, it is probably to fill a temporary void, until he can afford something better or more lasting. We all possess unique experiences and qualities that contribute to our character’s exclusive nature. There are certain things that we might have in common with one another, but when shopping around, men are looking for a distinctive personality, that will complement their nature.

So when you are gearing up for a weekend in search of that certain someone, think about who you are first. Think about those characteristics that make you special, different, and interesting, then play them up. In terms of physical appearance, accentuate what you like best about yourself. For example, if it’s your waist, make sure you are not wearing one of the ever-popular beer belly covering tops that girls seem to flock to recently. (NOTE: If you are proud of your entire body, please do not accentuate your entire body. You will end up looking like an easy, but unsustainable purchase.) In terms of your personality, funnel a conversation around a distinguishing part of yourself. Your job or your pet should not be the sole definition of who you are. What you do from 9 to 5 and who you talk to from 5 till bed, might not be the best place to start a dialogue. Think of a hobby you have, an experience you had, a great story, that makes you, you. Something that I always talked about was my participation on the Varsity Lacrosse Team at Notre Dame. I even remember showing a guy how I would play defense on him in the middle of a bar. This differentiating statistic, led to richer conversations about sport in general, which tends to be an immediate bonding point between male and female.

Like Spock, we are all children of a complex world, but it is our responsibility to define which aspects of our culture we want to embed within our character. Your identity in the dating market should be distinctive. Figure out your value-add, then walk into that venue confident, self-assured, and ready to sell yourself! 

Lo. 

Moving On

I am a native of the very proud city of Pittsburgh, which I like to consider a hidden gem. It is not quite the Midwest or East Coast, and has a personality, dialect, and culture of its own. It is a unique and underexposed city. Only a true native can appreciate the quirky character of the city that becomes embedded in a Pittsburgher’s identity. Even though I have lived away from Pittsburgh for two years now, and will be migrating to Chicago next week, Pittsburghese twang still slips from my mouth at moments, I still read the Pittsburgh Post Gazette on-line, my Pittsburgh pride swells throughout the Stanley Cup and NFL playoffs, I believe the Richardsonian Romanesque houses in Pittsburgh are the most regal, historic and undervalued mansions in the country, I miss walking into everyone that I know just as soon as I walk out the front door, and I crave Pittsburgh summers complete with the Pittsburgh Golf Club pool, tennis courts, and poolside dining, potato patch fries from Kennywood, Buccos games, and getting lunch on Walnut Street. I love the city of Pittsburgh and it will always have a special place in my heart.

In a week I will make a more or less permanent move away from my hometown to the burgeoning metropolis of Naperville, IL which lies about 25 miles from the Windy City. It is a slice of apple pie Americana complete with a Disney-esque River Walk, a mayor named Officer Friendly, framed mansions with pristine lawns, and the most amazing public pool I have ever seen, called Millennial Beach (sorry Dormont.) This pool is built from an old quarry and is absolutely enormous. It still has 2 high dives and 2 low boards despite our overly litigious culture, a floating dock in the middle, a water slide, lap lanes, and a bevy of good looking life guards who ride in kayaks around the pool to make sure no one drowns. I would even say it rivals my Grandparents’ country club, Spring Lake, in Quincy Illinois.

Naperville has a lot to offer and I am excited to move to my one bedroom loft apartment in a building that used to be a furniture factory. I am excited to be living near a Red Mango, a beautiful old church with lots of mass times, the train line to Chicago, and of course my boyfriend. Since my job does not start until June 15^th, I have spent the past couple days hanging out in and around the downtown area, taking advantage of observation time focused on the native Napervillians in their habitat, trying to elicit what makes Naperville special. 

One of the first observations that makes Naperville unique is the abundance of children. In particular the town is rampant with teenagers. They roam the streets like they own them, like they aren’t awkward and annoying. They have full child designated areas in Naperville like the skateboard park. Yesterday was "graduation day," which meant that the child-to-adult ratio was particularly out of order. They ran up and down Jefferson Street, in and out of retail venues, waving to friends, yelling, laughing, rejoicing that summer had come. These teenagers are part of the Millennial Generation that I studied in marketing. I always discounted the self-assurance factor among this generation. However, here, given the number and groupings of teens, I have seen the theory of teenage confidence in action. I feel self-conscious as a fashionably dressed, coifed, made-up adult, in the presence of hoards of confident teens. 

A great example of this confident and oblivious teenage nature happened yesterday as I witnessed a boyfriend-girlfriend pair at Barnes and Noble making out among the cookbook section. They had no qualms, they were laughing loudly, and they wanted everyone to focus on them. While sitting at the café a short distance away, I grew frustrated by the scene especially since they were deflowering the bookstore in front of Tyler Florence, Jacques Pepin, Mario Batalli, and Daniel Boulud. When I was in middle school and high school I always felt self-conscious and I was always chaperoned. These teens are empowered, comfortable in their skin, and prematurely mature. In Naperville, even when it's not graduation day, I believe kids rule. 

In Naperville there are also a lot of people doing just what I am doing now, hanging out. My scientific boyfriend and brother-in-law would argue that this activity can we witnessed in every city. However, over the past week, around 10:00 AM till noon at Starbucks, I have never seen a coffee shop so consistently crowded. It is bustling with teens (especially today), business men in meetings, students studying, mothers chatting about their problem children or marriage, old people reading or just staring into space, solo business men shouting through their blue tooth technology so the world can hear that they aren’t as delinquent as local gossip has it, more teens, single men oglers who watch the women walk by the front window, and mothers pushing strollers in and out of the door with a great struggle. Howard Schultz' idea of the third place continues to be well played out at Naperville's downtown Starbucks. 

It is not one particular demographic or even place within Naperville that defines this hanging out. There are people of all ages hanging out all over Naperville. On the river walk, at the frozen yogurt place (Red Mango!) I go to for lunch, at the coffee shops, at Barnes and Noble, up and down the streets of the downtown section of Naperville, ANYWHERE there is a place to sit is soon enough filled with people that want to take a break to hang out. This defines what I consider a more relaxed pace to Naperville - a more sociable, friendly Midwestern feel that is welcoming and warm. 

Just as I am proud of Pittsburgh, the civilians of Naperville are staunchly proud of their city. The term “Naper” describes schools, libraries, roads, stores, restaurants, time of year (Naper Days) etc. There are more bronze statues of Naperville V.I.P.s than one can imagine. I don’t think the Art Institute owns that many bronzes. Everywhere you walk or drive around Naperville you run into one. They have a pristine park district with a team of employees who make sure the lawns are manicured, the playground equipment is safe, and the signs are shiny and clean. They have the best school system in the country and every proud parent has the NNHS (Naperville North High School) or NCHS (Naperville Central High School) plaque with their child’s graduating class date displayed on their front lawn, on the back of their cars, and on their boast paraphernalia. They also have the best and most frequently used public library in the country, the best bank, and the best prairie running trails. 

No matter where you are from there are certain aspects of your community or city that make you proud. I will soon be among the Naperville young professionals, and I will soon delve into community and parish involvement to establish pride in the city. It is a friendly, clean, safe, and beautiful town, and I am ready to proudly call it home. Pittsburgh will always be my hometown, but this chapter of my life begs for something different than the Steel City. I am ready to move on.    

Lo

Once Upon a Time ...

I just read Louise Rafkin’s article on “modern love” from the New York Times published May 29^th. Her task as a journalist for the San Francisco Chronicle is to research and write about passionate and unique love stories. From her perspective her quest is an anthropological investigation because she claims to have never experienced the level of intimacy that her informants describe. She is ever the skeptic. She hears story after story where love is a pre-destined affair, a cataclysmic event, and an Earth shattering experience. The couples she interviews document their fated meeting, romantic courtship, and inevitable fairytale marriage, while she tries to brush aside the failures and shortcomings of her amorous relationships. 

I am not a skeptic and I believe in the powerful force of love, but I would place myself in the league of Rafkin’s shrink who advocates “love” as a verb or an act, rather than “love” as a noun, which magically descends on couples. I am an advocate for the practical, reasonable understanding of love that can be achieved by anyone if they set their mind to it. Love the verb is a selfless act that anyone can do. It is something that starts small and grows with time and commitment. I believe the derailing descent of love the noun is unsustainable and perhaps even a self-serving affair.

A repertoire of stories from my girlfriends and how they met their significant others came to mind while reading this article. Of perhaps 15 tales of first encounters and dates, there is one that fits the bill for Louise Rafkin’s uniquely romantic research. That is the ironic story of a friend who met her husband of Mexican heritage while eating Taco Bell at the Vegas airport, hung-over, weary eyed, and make-up free. He pursued her immediately and ended up switching seats on the plane to be next to her, to continue the conversation they started while waiting at the gate, get her number and ask her on a date when they were back in the great state of Ohio. I went to their wedding in October and they are very happily married.

The rest of the anecdotes are a little less interesting, less love at first sight. A couple of my friends met their significant other while drunk at a bar; a couple others were introduced by a mutual friend; some rekindled a friendship from high school or college; and some tried out the next man that complemented them after getting over a bad break up. To enhance their narratives of love found, they might turn to an experience that happened later in the courtship to unravel the romance of the relationship. Most don’t want to tell a dull story, so they start to create fables about first glances, happenstance encounters, and soft kisses. A lot of people want to create a fairy tale out of the relationship even if it does not exist.

Girls grow up learning about Cinderella, her Fairy God Mother, Prince Charming and his noble steed. The female maturity cycle is riddled with passionate, romantic, sweep-you-off-your feet love stories that shape our understanding of what love is supposed to be. From our youth when we learn about princesses who need to be rescued by a very handsome and rich prince; through our adolescent years when we learn the language of teen romantic comedies where the ordinary, unpopular girl gets wooed by the prom king; till we reach adulthood when the romantic dramas tell us that despite our reason and our existing sound marital relationship, there is still that fated someone out there that will offer us the burning love a la The Notebook that will re-instill vigor into our routine lives.

As an imaginative child who perhaps spent a little too much time on the interior of my mind, consumed by my own thoughts, fantasies and role playing, I used to imagine that during the couple weeks at the beach each year I had a summer boyfriend. I used to walk alone on the beach pretending to be talking to this imaginary boy. It was a relationship based on a combination of Grease and the episodes of Saved by the Bell with Stacey Kerosi.  I spent hours willing this fantasy to happen in real time and grew frustrated when year after year it never happened. I never had my summer fling song to sing when I came back to school in the fall. I wondered if it was me at the time, but looking back on it, how on Earth did I think I was going to partake in the real world, when I was walking up and down the beach alone talking to myself?

We are set up for disappointment, because the love we are trying to attain - - the love that is dramatic, mind-blowing, and all-consuming - - most likely will not hit us. This is not a woman’s fault. Rather, it is more that the straight man has no idea what women are spending their gossip sessions dreaming about. Instead of dwelling on the prince that will never come to wake you up from years of slumber, open your eyes to the possibility that love can grow between any two individuals with an initial chemistry.

In the novel, Middlesex, one of the most beautifully and poetically composed stories that I have ever read, the narrator, Calliope or Cal, states, “our lives are always more beautiful in writing.” We want to create something poetic, mythical, and impossibly unique about our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. We weave narratives together that give our love lives more meaning, more drama, because we think that is what the world wants to hear.  When my friends call me up and ask, “so, tell me about the boyfriend …” I say something like, “I don’t know … I am very happy … we have a lot of fun together … and I have nothing to complain about.” Very unromantic, very non-descript. However, I believe the richer parts of our relationships are meant to be private. The special moments that exist between two people with unique personalities can only be fully understood by those people. The excitement I get from my relationship can not be translated in its entirety to my girl friend on the other end of the line, because what makes me happy is not necessarily her dream scenario.

So instead of dreaming, planning your fairy tale life, and trying to make your relationship into something that it will never be, wake-up to the possibility that the life you are living and sharing with another person has yet to fully unravel and your continued contribution will make it even more fantastic. I promise that if you commit to practicing the act of selfless love you will live happily ever after.

Lo