On this particular winter day, when we all wished we were still on break, the topic was family. We talked about our kids and two blissful, disconnected weeks spent focusing on them. If only it could stay this way.
I lamented that my two year old was growing up too quickly. She was no longer a baby. And crazy as it might sound, I wanted another one.
Betsy, a mother of two beautiful girls, said she had been through similar emotions. However, she coached me to pay attention to the special, wonderful moments that you get with your kids as they grow, learn, and mature. Being present was the most important thing.
I loved that. I went into my next meeting and home that evening, celebrating the precious ages of each of my children. No longer babies, but in an equally special stage of life. I felt like I had moved on. We had moved on. Our family was complete.
A couple weeks later, I fell asleep on the train ride home. I woke up at the stop before my own, my heart racing with the horror of being one of those people that is nudged awake by the conductor at the end of the line. I may have closed my eyes on the train before, but I've never actually fallen asleep.
Groggy, I got up and made my way to the exit and biked home to get ready for Bobby's birthday weekend. My parents were coming into town. There were kids coming over the next day. There were groceries to buy, a cake to bake, presents to wrap. But something was weird. And generally when I feel a little funny, I default to taking a pregnancy test. I randomly had one, so I took it. And ...
+
No way. Can't be.
I ran to Walgreens and got another one ...
+
Oh my God.
I told Peter who was equally incredulous. I took a deep breath.
And another ... deep ... breath ... and then got on with the festivities.
Week after week went by and sleepiness turned to the worst first trimester symptoms I have ever experienced. Debilitating nausea. Fatigue. Headaches. More nausea.
Around the nine week point, I had my first doctor appointment and ultrasound. The technician, a Pittsburgh native who had done them for me in the past, laughed that I was back again, as I complained about vomit on the tip of my tongue.
I joked that the Bump.com says if symptoms are worse, it's likely multiples ... but hey, they don't run in our family, so I'm not worried about that.
As she pulled up the image of my uterus, she told me that I had called it.
'Called what?' I said.
'It's twins!'
'What? ... No way.'
'Yes ... it is ... look ... there they are.'
I started hyperventilating. Tears came to my eyes. I could handle four. I had prepared myself for four. But five? A career mom of FIVE? How was this going to work? How was I going to afford it? The vacations I want to take, plus a new car, an addition onto our house, college tuition for five. I thought I was going to pass out.
Her steel town spirit told me just what I needed to hear. 'I know you are overwhelmed, but it's a blessing.'
I repeated what she said, 'it's a blessing.'
Yes, it is.
I drove home thinking about the conversation I had with Betsy. It had been hard cherishing the sweet moments with the kids recently. I could feel what she had expressed to me.
But then I went to something someone else had told me a long time ago: don't plan for the family you can handle right now, plan for the family you want around the Thanksgiving table twenty years from now. I embraced that and the two little blueberries growing inside me and called Peter to tell him the news.
***
2020 has been a year of changed plans. And honestly, one that I entered feeling like I had planned better than ever. There have been jobs I couldn't have predicted, cancelled and postponed vacations, anticipated events that didn't happen, and of course, the unexpected baby bump. But if there is one thing that the pandemic has taught me, it's to stay focused on the things that matter most: faith and family, humility and hard work, care and compassion.
I'm twenty six weeks pregnant with identical twin girls today. And yes, there is still a lot to figure out. It will take a village and a lot of prayers. But I'm no longer worried. I know things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Inspired by my parents new patio table, I just ordered a new one too. One that will seat a couple more kids, looking ahead to when it might be filled with even more.
