Proud Parent

When I was growing up, the worst thing my parents could tell me was that they were disappointed. It was always because I had failed in some moral aspect of life (lied, cheated, punched my little brother). Remorse would reign afterward. I'd be in a spiritual deficit until my Mom or Dad would once again reassure me that I was loved, and they just didn't want me to do whatever I had done again.

Because I wanted to feel that way as little as possible, I sought the counter comment, the best thing my parents could say to me, which was 'we are so proud of you.'

It wasn't a remark that came every day - it was generally saved for special, landmark achievements (lead girl at St. Edmund's, Cum Laude at Ellis, All Big East, an MBA and better yet a job, marriage, a house, and kids) or sometimes it was a small gesture that signaled to my parents they had raised me right (writing a letter to my Grandma, delivering Christmas cookies to Mrs. Taylor's, playing nicely with my little brother). When they shared their pride, I would light up inside. Inspired, I kept pushing myself, working hard, trying to choose right from wrong, steering clear of disappointment.

***

Having my own kids now, I'm starting to understand the pride piece a little better. The moments when you just want to shout, 'BRAVO!' 

At first, I was just proud to have a little baby to hold. Then proud of her rolling over, sitting, walking and talking. Later on, I was proud of her surviving day care, eating all of her dinner, knowing her shapes, numbers, and ABCs. I was proud of her running, swimming, sledding, and peddling her tricycle. I was proud of her as she went into Pre-K on the first day and when she returned home with her first 'report card.'

... And I was very proud when they both sat on Santa's lap without crying a couple weeks ago. 

But the other night, I felt a different kind of pride. An excited, giddy, emotional, can't stop saying how proud I am pride. I think the same kind that was occasionally showered on me during some of my best moments as a kid. 

On Saturday, Mary was in her first dance recital. She had been practicing over the past couple weeks, and she was so excited. Her class was to wear green shirts, black stretch pants, reindeer antlers, and a little bit of make-up. I topped it off with a big green bow in her hair. She looked adorable. At 5:30 PM, the dancers were called to the cafeteria of the high school. She was dance routine number 18 (of 21!), and had to sit at Table #18 with a helper who would do crafts with her class until it was time for them to go on stage. No mommies allowed; I had to go find a seat in the auditorium. 

As I said goodbye and good luck, Mary's eyes welled up. There was a steady roar of girl laughter, gossip and the occasional shriek rising across the room. Mary didn't know this place, this helper or what was coming next. A little girl named Olivia from her class, with the cutest pink glasses, told Mary to sit by her. Mary complied and I sneaked out of the realm of chaos into a packed, dark auditorium where Mimi, Opa and Gigi were saving seats. 

I sat there through 17 acts, getting more and more nervous for Mary. I saw other three year olds walk out on stage and bawl. One or two yanked from it because of their tears. Mary was going to do it too, I was certain. Why had I put her through this at such a young age?! 

Number 18 - 'Here Come the Reindeer' - it was finally her turn. In the dark, I made out the little green shirts walking out onto the stage. The lights came up, the music came on. And ... no one was crying. Mary was beaming ear to ear, dancing next to her new friend Olivia, prancing to the beat, turning, shaking, stepping and pointing when she was supposed to. She knew every step and was enthused doing them. 

When the music stopped and they exited stage left, I clapped and cheered ecstatically. I was SO PROUD of her. As the last act came on stage, I booked it to the cafeteria, I couldn't wait any longer. I found her sitting with her class all in a row at table 18. She lit up when she saw me. I gave her a big hug and told her just how proud and happy I was. I couldn't stop telling her it either. I was amazed at her independence, confidence, and rhythm. She was smiling ear to ear, and told me 'oh thank you, Mom.' Like it was nothing at all.

We saw her dance teacher on the way out and I thanked her for all that she had taught Mary this year.

The next morning, Mary wanted to wear her green shirt and black stretch pants to Church. She wore them all day, watching the fuzzy video that Peter had recorded of her dance over and over again, until I told her she needed to change for dinner at Mimi and Opa's house. She kept the antlers on though. My girl. 

So I'm thinking pride is a lot like love; it just keeps growing and multiplying over time as they continue to assert their independence, apply themselves, make new friends, step to the beat, and choose right from wrong. But I guess as pride grows, so too does the potential for disappointment, which I'm really not looking forward to. What my parents taught me though, is that if you candidly, genuinely communicate both to your kids, they will likely gravitate toward the choices that make everyone happy.

Lo. 

Parties of Pittsburgh

Mary received her 'report card' the other day. It was prefaced with a note from the school, telling us not to worry about the scores the children received. 'All the kids were exactly where they should be.' Whatever that meant. I still read through it nervously, hoping to see more 3's than 1's, proud of her early language and math skills, and a little disappointed that she got a 'just beginning' for the sign of the cross.

The comments that her teacher wrote on the back gave me additional context to her performance at school. Mary is a 'delight' and always comes with a 'lovely story to share.' I laughed. In the week or two leading up to our trip to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving, those 'stories' were most likely centered on my hometown. She told her teachers, classmates, and just about everyone we ran into around town, that she was going there for Thanksgiving. She told them who she was going to see, where she was going to stay, all the toys she was going to play with, the sights she was going to see, and the food she was going to eat. In her young mind, Pittsburgh was the ultimate destination.

We arrived last Sunday with a basic itinerary for the nine days we would be in the Steel City. At first, it seemed full but not overly aggressive. But as the week wore on, and Bobby started taking four hour naps, I realized we might have over scheduled just a bit. How could I resist though; with only two visits to my hometown this year, I had to squeeze it all in.

On Friday morning, Mary told me she was going to 'write' a note to her classmate MJ (who I have yet to meet.) She kept telling me that she missed him and that he missed her. She sat on the ground and wrote out all the things that she had done and was going to do in her own code. When she was finished, she told me to mail it to MJ.

We saw Annie. I got my hair cut and so did Bobby and Mommy. I have two braids just like Molly now. And when I wake up in the morning, it will be really curly! 

Mommy went out to dinner with her friend, but Nana and Opa are babysitters so I stayed with them.
Then we went to a party for Nana. I wore my Christmas dress and my curly hair, and then we went to the Rivers Club for dinner. There were big, BIG games there and Bobby and I got to play with them.  
I got new shoes at Littles. Beautiful sparkly party shoes, but my Mom says I can only wear them some times. Not to school. 

We went to the Phipps and saw the trains. They are my favorite. I pushed all the buttons. I loved the trolley button the best. 

We saw Father Greco. He baptized me. Did you know that? I drew him a picture at Church. And then guess what, everyone came over and we had turkey! I had a big piece and then I asked for more. We all ran around Nana and Opa's house, and we danced, and my Mom kept asking me to smile, but I didn't want to. I just wanted another turkey cookie.

Lyla slept over last night! But Will didn't. Opa made us pancakes in the morning and I had two, no THREE pancakes. With syrup! I'm going to eat pancakes for dinner too. 

Then Uncle Adam and Aunt Laura took us to see Moana. It was so good. I was sad that Bobby missed his favorite part at the beginning though. I ate a lot of popcorn. 

We have dinner at the Club tonight, and Nana got me a new party dress to wear. I am going to eat shrimp and play with Lyla and Will in the playroom.

My Mommy has been playing tennis with Opa and Uncle Adam. I had a babysitter though and Bobby took another FOUR hour nap! He's a tired baby.

We are going to meet a tiny little baby named Sebastian, and guess what, guess what ... we are going to see a PUPPET SHOW?! Did you know that? 

And Opa and Nana are having another party tonight. There are so many parties here, but I love parties!

And then we will get to see Patty. That's my Mom's old babysitter. But Bill isn't feeling good so he can't come. Patty made me a blue purse with the letter M on it. I have been wearing it every day. I'm so fancy now.

I miss you MJ. And I'll be back in Chicago soon. And I'll give you and everyone at school a big hug.

Her transcription went on for about twenty minutes; she wrote and wrote and read and read; and it went quite a bit as I have captured above. She just missed a couple other details: The stuffing and gravy, some of the other special people who shared Thanksgiving, an award ceremony for my mom, dinners out, and a block party with us, Tiki drinks, Pitt tailgating, the orchids and the room with silly snow men, the runs and walks through the East End, races in the backyard and one sore loser, all the attempts to get the cousins to smile, and one tired Mom, Dad, Opa and Nana by Monday morning.

             

     

When we got home yesterday evening, Mary seemed particularly relieved. You could tell how much she had missed her room, her bed, and all of her toys. She went through her toy box giving Ariel, Yoda, Bitty Baby and dozens of others big hugs. She curled up into her bed and almost immediately fell asleep. (A rarity.) 

As much fun as she and Bobby had on 'vacation', they love their home, their beds, their Eva, and the familiarity of our community.

On the contrary, Pittsburgh and my parents house always feels like home to me; and I personally slept like a rock every night I was there.

Lo.

Week after Week

A lot has happened since my last entry. With each passing week, I've considered writing, but then abruptly closed my computer again. The fact is, I've been struggling to process and compose the weighty experiences that have compounded over the past three weeks. It's almost too much.

However, for fear of letting things slip through, I've decided to just go ahead and dump the moments and emotions that have characterized November thus far, hoping they will land poetically on the page. Apologies in advance for the choppiness, but here goes.

It started a couple days after Halloween. I was finally feeling a little better, but still not great. At midnight, I heard fire works going off. I guess they won, I thought. Please don't wake the kids. Please keep sleeping. I needed a good night sleep so badly. I heard Peter talking to Crippsy on the phone. I could hear the emotion in his voice.

They won, he confirmed to me. He went to bed reminiscing about the thousands of pitches he had watched this championship season. Finally, I thought to myself.

A couple days later, as the Cubs paraded down Michigan Avenue in front of one of the largest crowds for anything, ever in history, I started to get anxious.

I voted early and proudly wore my sticker. Then I prayed.

I couldn't catch my breath running. In and out. In and out. I couldn't find my stride. Foot over foot. Foot over foot. The anxiety kept growing.

I ate chicken strip prototype number 1,008 ... or so it seemed. Closer. Not there yet.

I dropped my daughter off at school. She had her 'winter dress' on, gray tights, her ladybug back pack with her snack tucked inside. A real fruit. Always her preference over a real vegetable or a real cheese. I thought about Mary's orientation. They told us they wanted snack time to be a safe and inclusive experience. Snack time! God love all the moms who petitioned peanuts out of schools to protect their baby.

The kids got sick. Then we all got sick again. I'm still coughing.

On election day, I wore my button. That night, I was glued to CNN. The United States turning redder and redder by the hour. I couldn't watch another second. I prayed and went to bed.

I woke up and cried. It wasn't so much that I loved her, but that I hated him and all that he stood for.

I texted my boss. I hugged my Nanny. I saw the Ellis girls vehemently blasting back on Facebook. I tried to turn everything off. I tried to tune everything out, but I couldn't.

I watched Mary twirl through her dance class. And we ran through the rain back to our car. NPR made me cry again. Off. I couldn't eat that night.

The next morning, I opened up Outlook and said, oh no out loud. Oh no. My Dad's painful email breaking my heart the longer it stared blankly back at me.

I cancelled my trip to South Carolina to eat more chicken strips. Mimi and Opa took the kids, and I drove to Indianapolis.

I hugged my cousin Jill. She cried into my shoulder and told me, 'that was her sweet little boy.' I watched a reel of the most strikingly handsome, athletic, good boy projecting in the room. I welled up. Another beautiful life, tragically gone too soon; my strong cousin left to pick up the pieces. I prayed for Jill, Cynthia, Danny, and Eric.

On the way back to Chicago that evening, I watched the super moon rise above the red Indiana skyline as I passed a water tower for Whitestown, USA. I thought about that safe and inclusive snack policy again.

I ate more chicken strips. These have to be it. I moved my project along, step over step, step over step, waiting for doomsday.

On Wednesday morning, I didn't get to see my friends go. They were called into a room, and they were out the door. Their empty desks where we used to vent, argue, create, and laugh left behind. They were the good guys my co-worker told me. Yes they were.

I almost cried at my desk, feeling alone in the middle of a changing, despairing office place.

I picked Mary up from dance class. I hugged her and Bobby a little harder than usual.

We listened to Christmas music prematurely as we drove home. It didn't seem out of place at all. It made me smile, and sing, and live in the moment. I told myself things were going to be okay. They have to be.

I reminded myself who is ultimately in charge. How there's an order and a plan. And how we'll all be around his big, safe and inclusive banquet table someday.

Onward to Thanksgiving, a holiday that I need more than ever this year. 

Lo.

Tink or Treat

On Monday night, Mary had lined up three unwrapped, half eaten lollipops on a plate, and she was taking a dip into her trick or treat bucket for yet another one. 'Mary you're going to get sick,' I told her. Bobby asked me for more chocolate, MORE chocolate. I said fine, one more. And that's it. You are going to get sick! When the candy pleas recommenced five minutes later, I cut them off. You are all going to throw up, no more candy tonight. Peter, hide the buckets.

The kicker ... who ended up getting sick? Me.

It wasn't from lollipops, or running from house to house while eating my tenth piece of candy, it was from some terrible virus that kept me in bed for about 36 hours.

So with work stressing me out, and ongoing illness recovery, I decided the pictures would have to carry the weight of my Halloween entry.

The events leading up to Halloween; Mary's Dance class performing Fright Night, her school's Halloween parade, our community's Halloween Bash, arts and crafts, pumpkin carving, and the frightening live surprise I found in our faux spider webs on Monday afternoon.

Then Halloween night; Mary bouncing from house to house, confidently ringing door bells with a polite trick or treat, helping her brother step up to the plate to get his fair share of loot. Daddy's costume, my silver tray lined with full sized candy bars, the teen boys who had been mapping their ideal route for weeks, confirming to their friends, 'this is the house!' The sheer number of trick or treaters parading down our street this year because of the beautiful weather. All awesome.

Halloween like all holidays with the kids didn't disappoint, and looking back on the pictures definitely makes sick days more bearable.

Lo.