Yesterday I celebrated my paper anniversary … with my company. I'm proud of this milestone and believe that the relationships I have established with my teammates and company at large are stronger than ever. As I was congratulated, toasted and pinned (yes, I got the official company pin), I started to think about the deliberations and realizations that went into reaching the goal of a job that compliments and enhances me. Ironically enough, I went through a similar process of reflection during my grand search for a special significant other.
Much of the soul-searching process through my twenties has happened over fruitful dialogues touching on personal case studies, best practices, and next steps with friends and family. In particular, I have a good friend who is the master of finding lessons and 'realizations' in our lives. About once a week I talk with Rebecca on the phone. For about a half an hour, usually during our commutes home, we deliberate over trials and triumphs of our work and personal lives. Rebecca generally comes to the conversation confident in the education she has acquired in the past week, and ready to share it. Without fail, there is always a moment in the call where she soundly states, "This week I came to the realization that...." and these realizations can range from "I need to date someone older than me" to "I need to date someone younger than me." From "I just love living in the city of Pittsburgh” to "I just need to get out of here!!"
After years of thoughtful reflection, my takeaway from these calls is that we need different things, both complementary and contradictory at different times in our lives to render us satisfied, successful and … (sigh) complete. Our personalities and characters are rich and complicated and there is not one size fits all solution to the age-old mystery of what will make us happy.
However, many target their job or a committed relationship as the bedrock of happiness - They hope to be confidently employed doing something they are passionate about; and committed to a person who shares their passions. After finding what I believe to be healthy, happy, and committed personal and work relationships, and after hours on the phone with Rebecca, I believe there are ways to cut to the chase in your search for contentment on the job or in a relationship. AND … you should start with these four questions:
1. What makes you sustainably satisfied and if you don't know you should stay on question 1 till you know. This may be the most time consuming and difficult of the questions, but taking leaps and bounds into jobs and relationships without knowing what really makes you tick, can be devastating in the end.
2. Do you want to play for a team or are you better off alone?
3. Are you a good team player?
4. Do you believe you can play on, significantly contribute to, and grow within this specific team?
If you answer no to question 2 you should be self employed and single for the rest of your life.
If you answer no to question 3, it’s okay to a certain degree. If you are a really bad team player, again you should be self employed and single for the rest of your life.) If you are not a perfect team player at first, this is a skill more or less that you can improve throughout the years. This is part of your learning curve and development on the job or in a relationship.
And for question 4 - once you have done your due diligence in terms of researching the pros and cons of the team you are thinking about playing for - do you really think this is the one you want to be committed to.
Here's how this process went for me:
In college, and in particular when studying abroad in Rome, I learned what really made me happy in life. That was a balance – a balance between the world of arts and athletics; family and friends; faith and exploration. I had the opportunity to do everything and I was busy with, invested in, and excited by all the different undertakings. After I graduated from college though, I signed up for a job that didn't allow this rich balance. This made me unhappy and I knew I had to redirect and research a career move that was going to open the doors to what had previously made me happy. I wanted to play for a team that would nurture and challenge me; enable my growth and maturity, and celebrate milestones with me.
With due diligence, hard work, and a little bit of luck, I believe I have found a company that I want to work for throughout the majority of my life.
Similarly, I knew I ultimately wanted to play on a team in my personal life as well. When seeking Mr. Right, I looked toward my other relationships and team members that made me happiest and most successful: Those people that accepted me for who I was, built up my confidence, made me feel more empowered, echoed my enthusiasm for life, challenged me to think in different ways, and helped me score the winning goal. I wanted the same kind of teammate in my significant other. I tried on chiropractors and architects; bankers and producers; short ones and tall ones; good ones and bad ones; but only one stuck. Granted, I think I was in the right place at the right time when stumbling upon the boyfriend, but I believe it took a lot of finding what I didn't want, to know exactly when I found what I did want.
After saying this though, after I believe I have landed in the right job and alongside Mr. Right. I couldn't help but think about the news we heard a couple weeks ago - when we learned about the separation of esteemed marital partners, Tipper and Al Gore. After celebrating their forty-year anniversary, they retired from each other. Without rumors of cheating, children out of wedlock, or abuse many analysts said that this marriage was successful. It fulfilled a role in both Al's and Tipper's lives, and now they were simply ready for the next stage of their lives.
In corporate America, even in my company, where the majority of employees are lifers – you inevitably end up in retirement. When you want to get the most out of the remaining years of your life and have saved enough money to do it, you say toodle-loo and hit the links, travel the world, become a docent, go fishing, or do whatever it is you find relaxing. It's a great period of time for further exploration into the ways of the world.
However, I don't want to think that the same form of retirement holds true in a marital relationship - That after you have raised children, developed the talent, and sent them off to conquer the world, you should want to retire from your partner. I want to believe that in each phase of life, if you have been lucky enough to find the right teammate, you will want to play on that team till the game is over.
My coach used to always say, overtime is the toughest, but most important part of the game - we had to play the hardest, not let up, and concentrate more than ever. I guess Al and Tipper were okay with draws and stalemates. Or, they came to the realization that they never really answered question 1, and now they wanted to find that for themselves.
Rebecca and I have been on and off the phone for almost twenty years – basically from the third grade on - talking about crushes and crashes. These vignettes have ultimately always led to discussions about what makes us happy. This is the most important question you can ask yourself. Before signing up and signing on to a team in corporate America or with a significant other, make sure you take the time to get to know yourself first. I truly believe that if you do this, you will make stronger, smarter decisions in your relationships - you will make more positive contributions and celebrate many more anniversaries.
Lo
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