Cry Baby

Have you ever cried during a performance review?

No?

Well, I have. And several times.

There's something about the review process - the self reflection, the things I want to say going in that take courage, the potential of those things not getting said, or worse, backfiring, the fact that my scheduled 'conversation' always seems to fall on the first day of my period ... there is pressure and related emotion, and over the years I've let it get to me more than once. 

I'll take you back to the first time. I was an amateur. It was my first foray in corporate America. I was used to getting coached by Tracy Coyne, not judged by an executive. (And there was plenty of emotion in the ND Women's Lacrosse Office over the years.)   

Anyway, on the morning of that first review, all the stupid stuff I had done over the past six months came back to haunt me. Why did I show up in sweat pants to that International Conference pre-meeting? Why did I blow off my boss to go out with someone else the night after? And then why couldn't I quell my love of the dance floor in service of a little professionalism the night of the Gala? But on the other hand, hadn't I performed well? Wasn't I doing what I was supposed to do, plus some?

As my boss and I walked into the meeting room the stress mounted, my hands started to sweat, I looked at the list of accomplishments I had written down on the piece of paper - inappropriate work attire plus inappropriate work partying not included. She asked how I thought the year had gone. I started saying something, quivering, tearing up, then lost it. I started crying and then trying to explain myself. I'm just so nervous. I've never done this before. She looked at me like I was crazy. but then like she really cared. She told me to relax. That I was doing a good job. Professionalism was an opportunity, but I was a great hire.

Note taken. Relax. Keeping working hard. Be professional.

Over the years, I've shed other tears. One of the most embarrassing cries was to my ex-VP, who I loved, but who clearly didn't know what to do with a crying pregnant woman in his office.

After that horrendous expression of emotion, I thought I was over it - that it would never happen again. And then mid-year review 2018 hit. I didn't even have an agenda going in, just a list of goals and progress against them. We started talking. All good. Easy. And then she asked me, 'so ... how's this year been so far?' 

It's good. Fine. Demonstrating significant advancement on key initiatives. (Nothing like lame business jargon to take away any lingering emotion. Stay with that, Lo.)

No, really ... how's this year been so far? 

She looked at me like she really cared. Like she really wanted to hear the answer.

So I told her.

Well ... It's been one of the hardest years ever. The work has been hard. Non-stop. Stressful. Then we moved downtown. Then the re-org. The commute is challenging. Every day is a hustle ... (And I started getting choked up.)  

Tell me more about the commute? 

It's like I'm sprinting through each day. I have to time it down to the second. No literally, I'm always running ... to get my kids dressed, to get them to school, to catch a train, to make a meeting, to get home in time to get dinner on the table. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I can't even find time to get a hair cut! (By this point, I was really crying.) But it's good. Everything's good. It's fine. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

(And I meant that last sentence with all my heart.)

I swear I caught a glimmer in her eye. She said she knew how I felt. Working mom to working mom. And it felt good to know the emotion was understood and even shared. 

There is a lot written about showing emotion at work. Most of it, telling you to 'man up' and put on a mask every day. But as someone who has cried at least a half dozen times in the office, I have a different point of view.

I don't have a work self and a home self, you get the same person both places. So when told to leave emotion at home, as hard as I try, I can't. Maybe it's because I've been lucky - I've worked for bosses that truly care about me - but in my experience, every time I've let my raw self out, it's actually helped. My bosses seem to trust me more. They truly know who I am and what motivates me. And as my ex-VP said, they see that the passion for what I do and what I juggle runs deep. 

So to my co-workers and friends who ever just need to let a tear show, I'm here for you. Cause I've been there before.

Lo.