Life Partner

I think this is the longest I've gone without writing in the nearly eleven years that I've been keeping this blog. And it's not for a lack of content. A lot has happened. I could blame it on a general lack of time, but I'm thinking, it's mostly for a lack of heart.

I started one about Peter in February. It was about how we had both celebrated birthdays in between getting the norovirus. Remember when that was the thing to fear? It was about our partnership - one that extends from dishes and baths and I swear the longest bed time routines known to man - and into the moments where we clean up puke on the ground and on each other. When one parent stays up to help a kid throw up, while the other parent is throwing up herself, when a piece of toast never tasted so good, and when the simple act of getting you a glass of water means more than anything.

I could have written about my weekend in Sun Valley, before there were domestic travel advisories. How noble it was for my girlfriend to move out there, uproot and start a new kind of life that is just that - life. Full of it. I could have written about her hospitality, our hike, the spa, and so many good laughs.

I got a promotion sometime in between February and March. I was actually told right when I landed in Idaho. That was notable. But so much was going on, I hardly stopped to think about the achievement in it.

I should have written a birthday post for my sweet Mary. How she had counted down for a year till it was her birthday again. How she beamed coming down the stairs as a mature seven year old, wrapped in her new robe. How right before Illinois went into lock down, we squeezed in a sushi dinner, Shirley Temple on the side, manis and pedis, lunch with girlfriends and a family party with cousins chipping in to blow out all the candles. How three weeks ago! How proud I am of her and how lucky she was to get to have a birthday celebration in this era where car parades suffice.

I learned how to use dry shampoo and curl my hair. That was huge.

The sun shined and it felt like spring. The rain poured down. And then it snowed again.

It was the start of Holy Week on Sunday, and I watched Mass on the campus of Notre Dame, attempting to fully participate in the comfort, or rather isolation, of my living room.

With all that coming and going without words that could have elegantly celebrated and saluted life's precious moments, I'm forced to move onto the thing I don't want to cover, because I'm so tired of talking about it. But like I said, two months is too long, so I'll quickly reflect on how the crisis has impacted my life.

First, there are silver linings. Personally, there are some good things that have come from all of this.

- My nails look nice. For once, I'm not biting them for fear that there is coronavirus lurking there.
- My house is clean and so is the garage.
- We are saving money on nights out and associated babysitter fees.
- I don't have to hustle to and from the train every day.
- And I get to wear stretchy pants to my work from home office on my bed.
- I get to see my kids throughout the day. And for a working mom who spends too much time working, it's been a priceless experience.

But then there are things that worry me ...

- Plummeting stock prices and the uncertainty of a rebound.
- Being in crisis mode at work, 24/7 while managing a bigger, broader job than I've ever had before.
- My friend, expecting her baby any day now in New York City.
- The strain of our healthcare system.
- Going to the grocery store.
- The person walking toward me on the sidewalk who might just have covid-19.

And finally, there are things that just make me sad ...

- The groups of people missing milestone moments: their prom, a graduation, or a wedding. A birthday celebration or worse, a funeral. A vacation that was scrimped and saved for or just a Convention that afforded our family a trip to Disney World. It's a selfish lament, but I was so looking forward to it.
- The emptiness of New York City, which should be blossoming and booming in Spring.
- Waving to my family on Facetime, knowing I won't get to see them at Easter or any time in the near future.
- Watching Mass, week after week, not able to participate in the holy sacrament. Week to week, this actually sparks tears.
- And mostly, the people getting sick and dying without anyone at their side.

All of these fragments lead me back to the original entry I was going to write more than two months ago. Remember, it was about Peter. The title was going to be 'Life Partner' and the theme was an unbreakable partnership between us. From norovirus to coronavirus, there is no one I would rather be quarantined with. And I will say, this period has brought out some great things in our relationship - some candid conversations after dinner, more engagement and collaboration in the day to day lives of our kids, more focus on what matters most, and finally, a shared, immense sense of gratitude for our other life partner, Eva, who has truly held everything together over the past three weeks.

It's 75 degrees and sunny today and despite just hanging up on a contentious crisis management webcast, I have nothing but hope as we approach Easter Sunday.

Lo.