Christmas Present

This Christmas, as I lovingly and exhaustedly smiled on my kids opening their treasures from Santa, I wondered how long it had been since I ran down the stairs on Christmas Day to open my own presents. I wondered how long it had been since there was a pile under the tree, just for me. Since there was a strategy of opening and cataloguing and plotting playtime. That last Christmas was later than college graduation, earlier than Mary's first Christmas. But I can't recall with precision. Regardless, it seemed far away. 

I hate when I can't place a memory. Especially when the memory was a last in life. I don't remember cherishing the effortlessness and bliss of that morning - the cozy comforts of it all - the gratitude I should have felt for all that others had done for me. I didn't comprehend that there would be a vast divide between my lack of responsibility in a Christmas outcome back then and my current role as the ultimate orchestrator and conductor of Christmas today. As my Mom would say, 'it all goes too fast.'    

*** 

This year, in contrast to the feeling of a coddled childhood Christmas, I felt like I was hobbling out of the holiday and of 2021, in totality. Perhaps because I was literally limping around the house on New Year's Eve. 

See, I had racked up a couple injuries in the days that followed our festivities. Boo boo #1: a fist size bulging bruise on my thigh from a slip and fall in my kids' bathroom. Boo boo #2: a sore back from carrying big babies around town. And boo boo #3: a bloody and bruised left knee and a pummeled right foot from a ridiculous scurry to and from the garage in bare feet, which resulted in a crash landing on the stairs leading up to our back door. 

My body ached, but with a couple Motrin and two glasses of good Champagne, the pain faded away. This vision of minor injuries, a quick patching up, and a stringent focus on rapid recovery to exceed full speed again, is what characterized a lot of this year. To get everything done - it's a hustle (never a hassle) and typically, despite a set back and bandage here and there, I'm pretty good at keeping a lightening pace. 

This holiday season, I was able to decorate, shop, set tables, fill them with good food, bake, wrap, yada, yada, yada, all of it at warp speed. And despite the more frantic moments, I loved it. 

But doing that all year long ... all. year. long. translates to why I fell twice in one week. I've been on turbo speed since January and I think my mind and body are trying to tell me to slow down, putter along perhaps, or maybe just stop entirely for a minute or two.

We did a lot last year and if I were to reflect on a top ten list, I might call out our trips to Martha's Vineyard and Sea Island, Peter and I celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in Sonoma, playing tennis at our Country Club all summer long, seeing Mary learn to swim so well and then compete in meets, my job that afforded me some successes and recognition that exceeded expectations, our new kitchen, the twins turning one and all the milestones they've accomplished this year, Bobby playing a different sport every season - soccer, basketball, baseball, and now skiing so well, Margaret dancing, playing make believe in her room, lighting up a room with her smile, and snuggling with me as I work in bed every night, and getting vaccinated and boosted, giving me more comfort in being together with family and friends in a more normal way. 

But there was no stopping. Even our vacations weren't really moments to relax and reset. It was a year of go, go, go, of hard work, of crashing into my pillow every night, of waking up and going again. And as I reflect on falling, perhaps there is an opportunity to think about 2022 a little differently. That is, could I manage life at a little slower pace? Could I be a little smarter in my approach? 

So in that spirit, there are a couple things I'm holding myself to in this new year.

1. Communication. I want to be better at it: More direct, but also more patient. Clearer, but kinder in my approach. 

2. Carved out time: There should be blanks in my calendar - personally and professionally. And the three things I will prioritize placing there are quality playtime with my kids, a good book, and a weekday Mass. 

3. Being more of a leader, less of a doer: While I have always been a busy bee, I need to build my competency of coaching and building those that can help.  

4. Walk more, run less: This applies to getting from point A to point B, not running as exercise. The goal here is to crash less. To get through 2022 with more bravado, less boo boos.

To 2022.  

Lo.